The Real Man Test
1. Alien beings from a
highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship,
they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire
Earth.
You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General
of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most? A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When
you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the pope.
(Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let
him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? A. If hes
your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. B. If youre performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even
in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this males trachea! I am not in any
way aroused!" C. If youre a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series,
you may hug him provided that: 1. He is legally within the base path, 2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and 3.
You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral
is a good time to... A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience
of earthly life. C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimers disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion,
the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several
years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you
are taking it easy-youre watching a football game; shes reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where
your relationship is going. She says shes not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that
you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
but you dont want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that
youll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you dont want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C.
That you cannot believe the Eagles called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you
truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and
the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A.
You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say
her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell
her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for
school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "Theyre in school already?" C.
"There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned
the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that youre not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C.
It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not
naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because
the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable
explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised
Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C.
He refused to ask for directions. 12. What is the human races single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B.
Religion. C. Remote control. How to Score... Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C." A
real guy would score at least 10 on this test. Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimers joke.
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