What Real Men really mean
Have you ever asked
what real men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...
"I'm
going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in
my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car." Really means... "Mine is full of
beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver." Really means... "Someone who doesn't speed,
tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint
the kitchen." Really means... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise
or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing." Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means... "Why
isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means... Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling
"Good idea." Really means... "It'll never work. And I'll
spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?" Really means... "I've just spent our last $30
on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means... "She's heard all my stories before, and
is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain." Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm
getting more exercise lately." Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done." Really
means... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late." Really means... "Now I have
a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means... "I've been subscribing
to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means... "She used the smoke detector
as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means... "I
was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really
means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means... "Are
you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means... "I forgot our anniversary
again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means... "You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good
movie." Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work." Really
means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" Really means... "Both my roommates have
moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother." Really means... "I
am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means... "I remember the theme song
to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means... "The girl
selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game." Really means... "Women are generally
too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means... "I have actually
severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means... "I
once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means... "And
I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means... "What did you catch me at?"
"What
do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of
those rabid feminists." Really means... "She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping." Really
means... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the
car." Really means... "You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really
means... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary
companions."
"I heard you." Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately
that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love
anyone else." Really means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look
terrific." Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present." Really
means... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you." Really means... "I can't find my
sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really
means... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework." Really means... "I make the messes,
she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means... "I like you more than my truck."
"I
recycle." Really means... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey,
you look beautiful." Really means... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night." Really
means... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."
"It's good beer." Really means... "It
was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it
up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means... "If I wait long enough you'll
get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her." Really means... "She dumped me."
"I'll take
you to a fancy restaurant." Really means... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
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